Dilemma
by Carinthe
Summary: Forced to decide between the lives of his best friends and those of a hundred others, there's really only one thing Rodney could do...
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Stargate Atlantis, its characters and all related entities are the property of MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions and The SciFi Channel. Story created for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made._

_AN: I haven't seen anything past season 1, but let's pretend that, at some point in the future, Kolya finally loses it (his sanity, last shred of humanity, etc), shall we? Alternatively, call it OOC, AU or whatever abbreviation you fancy..._

* * *

**-**

**Dilemma**

**-**

* * *

"Choose…" 

He hated that voice.

Really hated it.

Not like in 'can't find my socks, out of coffee, bad hair day' hated it. Thát he wouldn't even classify as worse as annoyance, mostly because it pretty much described an everyday day for John Sheppard. Annoying was a word better reserved for other voices, including that of an egocentric oily haired scientist when he pretended he was a genius and that of a certain snarky certified genius when he pretended he was egocentric.

No, hate was a completely different level to John, one he didn't often feel the compulsion to visit. To get him there, you really had to piss him off. As in claim his city, kill his people, torture his best friend and nearly kill his leader…

John really wanted to show the man just how much hate he felt for him. He had some pretty impressive death-glares, even if he said so himself. It would unsettle his enemy, make him hesitate, perhaps inspire some self-preservation against the rage John would unleash as soon as he got out of these goddamn bonds.

But at the moment, he couldn't spare his eyes for such a thing, the importance of which paled in comparison by their current task.

Right now, all he could do was gaze steadily into two frightened blue eyes, offering friendship, understanding, forgiveness and determination.

And a heartfelt plea: 'Pick me!'

-

"Choose!"

The voice was louder this time, and the undertone of danger clearer.

And it sounded too damn smug. As if he already knew his victim would break. As if the situation would play out like once before.

She had a similar déjà-vu, but her thoughts were of irony, not victory. Last time, they had tricked him, mislead him and kicked him out of her city.

Elizabeth Weir hoped fervently that the situation would repeat itself. But she could not expect Rodney not to break this time. She strongly suspected he had previously only partially given in to safeguard her from torture, and not just because he had been afraid for his own safety. Since her first meeting with her head scientist, she had needed to re-evaluate her opinion on him, several times.

Silent waters may run deep, but the extremely turbulent surface in Rodney's case hid a great depth equally well.

Although right now, the physicist seemed pretty much an open book, fear and desperation written plainly in his expressive face, his usual bravado having long since crumbled in the proximity of one of his worst enemies.

Elizabeth prayed he'd find the strength to do what he had to do. To do what she knew without a doubt was the only option available. An option she was equally certain would kill him just as surely. Not physically, no, but buried deep under layers of sarcasm, egoism and bluster, there was a sensitive heart, scarred horribly before, battered and bruised, but not broken. Never broken. Not yet.

But soon it would be…

Genii commander Acastus Kolya grabbed Rodney's jacket collar and pulled roughly him to his feet.

Elizabeth's eyes sought Rodney's, conveying wordless support. 'Don't let him break you, Rodney, don't ever give up fighting…'

-

"CHOOSE NOW!"

He cringed, not as much at the sheer volume of the command, or even the deadly malice behind it, but because of the way it was accompanied by the sickening crunch of Rodney being shoved into the wall.

As a medical doctor, Carson Beckett was keenly aware of the possible repercussions of a head colliding solidly with a hard unforgiving object. He knew Rodney had a thick skull, but he suspected his friend was at least suffering from a doozie of a head-ache right now, possibly topped with blurry sight but hopefully devoid of any internal bleeding. On that account, he didn't like the glassy look in those wide blue eyes and the way Rodney's head had lolled to the side.

Kolya released Rodney from his grip. Carson watched helplessly as Rodney slid down, a limp body sagging to the floor, kept in a slumped seated position only by the wall's support.

His every fibre screamed at him that he needed to move, now, to run to his friend and to tend to his injuries, to tackle that bloody son-of-a-bitch Kolya and to tuck his friend safely away in the cosy warmth of his infirmary…

But he was trussed up and gagged, like an overgrown turkey, a reluctant spectator to the terrible torment Rodney was being put through. A torment that was even worse on the psychological than the physical level. It was the classical dilemma. Not one way out could be preferred over the other, decided either by logic or by emotions.

And Carson knew without a shred of doubt that it would be all the more horrible for Rodney than any other person. A genius capable of imagining the outcome of either choice in the utmost detail…

An ancient Scottish ire in his blood stirred awake, born out of a strange protectiveness he felt for Rodney. The same protectiveness he could see in Elizabeth and Colonel Sheppard. Idly, he wondered how the arrogant, whiny scientist managed to inspire such a reaction in people.

He wanted to rant, scream at the universe, pounce at that damned Kolya, wipe out the entire bloody Genii home planet if he had to… If only anyone would be foolish enough to untie him right now…

Frantically, his gaze darted around, looking for an escape.

The look in Rodney's eyes stilled his turbulent emotions.

It wasn't acceptance.

And above it all, Carson felt pride.

Because the fire of defiance in Rodney's eyes had lit up.

-

"I can't…"

The voice was fragile, rough from coughing and sounding rather breathless.

But through it all, there was a calm determination. Like he hadn't just been placed in front of the most horrible dilemma anyone could possibly fear to decide.

For the first time, Rodney McKay took his eyes off his friends and fully met the steel gaze of the Genii commander.

Kolya sneered, his tone a low and dangerous growl. "You decide: your friend's lives, or Atlantis?"

Rodney didn't flinch as two of Kolya's goons stepped up to him, and pulled him upright. He let himself hang limply in their grip, but didn't break eye contact with the Genii commander.

"You want me to choose between killing my friends or killing the hundreds of innocent people in Atlantis? I can't make that choice…"

"Oh, come on, doctor." Kolya taunted darkly "For a leader, isn't the choice obvious? You would not sacrifice few lives to save many more?"

The answer was immediate, and however soft it was understood loud and clear by everyone in the gate room. "No."

Kolya snarled, stepping uncomfortably close in front of the physicist. "Then, the guilt lies with you!"

Rodney struggled free from the grasp the two soldiers still had on him, standing tall, if slightly shaky, and replied in a strangely calm tone.

"No. I won't kill them. You will. I could never. I can't decide which life is more valuable. Quantity or quality. Every life is sacred, and belongs only to oneself. No one can judge a life…, at least no one on this plane of existence can. So I will not choose who dies. I will only do all I can to save every single life. I can only offer you my life, but I doubt you'd take it… In the end, it will always be your choice..."

"Fine!" Kolya snapped, "I'll take it!"

A gun shot reverberated through the gate room, its echoes battering mercilessly upon the hearts of all those present.

"And then some…" the Genii commander whispered harshly in the sudden complete silence and stepped back.

Rodney crumbled against the wall, a patch of red rapidly spreading on his left shoulder.

Rivers of blood drowning a maple leaf...

"You can also choose not to kill…"

Rodney's voice was merely a whisper, but his eyes spoke of a world of hurt.

"Not any more." Kolya said, sounding unrepentant as he took aim again.

The second shot caught Rodney squarely in the chest.

Baby blue eyes widened slightly before fluttering closed.

Kolya didn't spare the body even one last look as he left the gate room, yelling at his soldiers to take the hostages with them.


	2. Chapter 2

-

John was sure his heart had broken, shattered into a thousand pieces by the second gun shot.

He didn't care when his body protested painfully at being manhandled out of the gate room. His mind was left behind, weeping over the cooling husk of the one person who had managed to breeze his way past all his defences in a very long while.

He didn't even worry about his own imminent death.

His soul had let go its grip on life already, its connection to another soul much stronger than any earthly pull.

Soon, it would all be over. One way or another…

He knew without a doubt that Kolya would set off the nuclear bombs he had smuggled in, destroying the city he couldn't conquer. Maybe also partly to wipe out any lingering trace of Rodney McKay, the one who had stood between him and his grand plan. Rodney, who had managed to create an irreversible lock-down that had very efficiently contained the Genii to the segment of Atlantis containing mainly the gate room and jumper bay.

John didn't care for reasons any more.

But somehow, somewhere, there was still a spark that refused to fade. Slightly distracted, he tried to pinpoint the slightly annoying feeling. Annoying… McKay... A spark of McKay's insane defiance that was fast kindling a wildfire.

He could hear his friend's words as clearly as if they were said out loud.

"_Oh, come on, Sheppard! Get over it already, you big baby! Fire up that one brain cell you have and give those idiots hell! Do your Rambo stuff. Scream, kick, kill, obliterate! And, it wouldn't hurt to –oh, I don't know- activate some things with that arrogantly superior gene of yours? Say, half of Atlantis? Perhaps the half that doesn't know they might be getting a nuclear bomb on their heads!"_

John smirked, invisible behind the gag.

Oh, no, he wouldn't go down without a fight. And Atlantis sure as hell wouldn't go down. Not after all Rodney had done to keep her safe.

No, he would fight till the last. Make Rodney proud…

-

Elizabeth was lost in sadness, barely paying attention to her surroundings, until suddenly, the hallway lights started to flicker ominously. Quite by chance, she caught the maniacal glint in John's eyes.

Worry temporarily pushed the grief away.

What kind of insane plan was brooding in his mind, she didn't have the faintest idea. But it was a safe bet to say it most probably included him forsaking whatever little self-preservation he had left.

To her, the situation seemed pretty much hopeless.

The moment the wormhole had sprung to life, a cold feeling of dread had settled in her stomach. Receiving Carson's IDC four hours ahead of schedule and an urgent call from said physician for medical backup had only intensified the feeling. The unidentifiable unease had swiftly turned into full-blow horror after the small group of bloodied villagers that Carson and Lorne's team had been dragging, carrying or otherwise supporting turned out to consist mainly out of a perfectly fit Genii strike force. The element of surprise firmly on their side, they had taken over the gate room quickly and with little resistance.

At least five of her people had given their lives in vain. Twice that number was injured, now lying spread across the gate room, amidst the few real victims of a culled alien village.

She ought to have alerted the city. She should have announced the invasion over the intercom, or at least get word to Bates or Zelenka. But in reality, she had been too shocked, and before anyone knew what had happened, the heart of Atlantis had been compromised.

The Genii had been painstakingly thorough, jamming all radio frequencies, effectively keeping their presence a secret.

But they hadn't counted on Atlantis's own faster-than-lightning counterforce.

Rodney had managed to initiate a lock-down Elizabeth had not even known was possible with just a few quick strokes on a nearby laptop.

To says Kolya had been pissed would be a major understatement.

His harsh retaliation had briefly left her devoid of any hope.

But now, as she looked into John Sheppard's eyes, she saw the same determination that had lit up Rodney's eyes. And suddenly she felt ashamed for not believing.

-

Carson was beating himself up.

It was all his bloody fault! Rodney was dead because he, Carson, had been such a blasted bampot! Why hadn't he realised that most of those 'injured' villagers were just faking? He should have known better than to allow their 'medicine man' to direct him to the most seriously injured…

Good lord, he was a bloody MD! Yet he had faired no better than a damned voodoo witch doctor…

He paused in the midst of his mental ranting. Rodney's words. He had become so used to the scientist's constant derogatory criticisms that they had become part of his own mental vocabulary.

Unbidden, his mind provided him with Rodney's earlier words, his response to being blamed by Kolya.

"_Negate the lock-down, doctor McKay! I know you initiated it!"_

"_I can't override the lock-down! That's the whole point of a lock-down, isn't it? To make sure that the people inside can't get out! The only way to override it is by someone outside the containment field!"_

"_Fine…, since you brought us into this mess, you'll be given the honour to choose the solution._

_Either I kill your friends. Without leaders, Atlantis won't stand a change in the future, and I can simply wait until she is ready to give in to my demands. I will get the city intact, as I would prefer._

_Or I destroy the city. I have quite some nuclear power at my disposal, thanks to your helpful comments, doctor. In that case, I'd take you and your friends to my planet, and squeeze every bit of information out of you I can. After that, if you've been cooperative, who knows I might even let you live to see the Genii acquire absolute power…"_

"_You have finally lost it, haven't you? See yourself as the King of Atlantis, or -God forbid-, maybe the entire Pegasus galaxy? You might want to ask Carson here for some of his voodoo pills against delusions and manic depressions…"_

"_I am not joking, McKay. Your friends or the city: the choice is yours…"_

Carson guessed that despite all his bluster, Rodney had felt guilty about his actions as well. But he hadn't paused to look back, had not lost himself in 'what ifs'. Rodney had accepted that split-second decisions may come back to bite you in the ass, and he had bitten back with matched fervour and then some, refusing to turn the other cheek.

His own rather unfortunate choice of words on the topic made him smile slightly behind the gag. Then, his eyes caught a flash of blue in his peripheral field of view and the smile turned into a broad grin.

-

Kolya never knew what hit him. One moment he was striding towards the jumper bay, intent on stealing the Atlantian space ships before blowing the entire planet to smithereens, the next he was lying on his stomach, staring dazedly at a pair of boots in front of his nose.

"Going somewhere?"

The voice was annoying, easily permeating the various layers of cotton wool his brain seemed to be wrapped in.

His first thought was that he was either dreaming or death. Then this impossible fact would qualify as either the worst nightmare ever or the deepest pits of hell.

"Didn't I tell you the lock-down would make sure you couldn't get out, huh?" The huff exuded superiority, the trade-mark know-it all arrogance Kolya could associate with only one person.

But that was impossible…

"Still stunned, I see. Although by the effects of that stunner or my overwhelming brilliance I can't be su…"

A rough cough broke of the sarcastic comment.

Another very familiar voice took over, almost bubbling with joy yet sounding worried at the same time. "Are you sure you're all right? We really should get you to the infirmary…"

Kolya's eyes finally obeyed his muscles' command and rolled up.

He was met by an extremely smug smirk etched on the familiar expressive face.

"This time, you don't get to choose, I'm afraid…"

The last thing Kolya saw before another stun blast engulfed him, were two clear blue eyes twinkling with mirth, the fire of defiance blazing brightly within.

-

Rodney McKay looked down derisively at the pathetic heap of disturbed human at his feet, before meeting John Sheppard's scrutinising gaze. Asking the unspoken question that was on Carson's and Elizabeth's lips as well: how?

Pushing the pain and fatigue back for a little while longer, he magnanimously decided to satisfy their curiosity before faint… euhm, passing out.

"Illusions, colonel. Smoke and mirrors." Rodney explained, looking extremely pleased with himself. " The lock-down wasn't exactly irreversible, and if Kolya had spent some more time even one of his men would likely have been able to override it. I gave Kolya what he expected. A terrified, cowering victim, brilliant enough to create an infallible lock-down and too pathetically weak to lie about it in the face of torture. So after you guys were whisked out of the gate room, I restored radio-communications and hailed Bates, breached my own lock-down, met up with the reinforcements and had a little fun with a stunner…"

Sheppard looked suitably expressed.

"By the way…" Rodney continued, "your gene-induced flickering of the lights helped quite nicely in hiding us from the Genii until we were close enough to aim more carefully. Otherwise, you would all have ended up in the infirmary with pins and needles for a day…"

Sheppard still looked like he was seeing a ghost. "But,… you were.. shot… right in the heart…"

"Ah, yes, about that." Rodney said seemingly carelessly "I had the feeling Kolya might be even more mentally unbalanced than the last time we met." Sheppard shuddered, all too clearly remembering the Genii commander's maniacal behaviour during their previous encounter.

Rodney carried on, purposefully not dwelling on that memory, but couldn't keep from shivering. "It was a fair guess his grudge against me might escalate into something.. euhm… bullet-related… so I borrowed a little something from a fallen marine while we ducked low during the take over…"

Rodney zipped open his bulky jacket and granted Sheppard a crooked smile. As his friend's eyes widened comically, he sighed deeply and allowed himself to fall into John's arms, and into the welcoming darkness.

-


	3. Chapter 3

-

"Rodney wore a bullet-proof vest under his jacket?" Elizabeth echoed Carson's statement.

'He's a genius, remember?" John grinned, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, looking for all the world like an excited toddler who's been told Christmas has come early.

"So he likes to remind us…" Elizabeth barely managed to keep a matching grin off her face, desperately trying to keep some modicum of decorum.

Carson had no such restraint. His entire face was lit in an expression of pure bliss and his eyes were shining brilliantly with a million sparks of joy. He nodded vigorously: "Bloody brilliant idea, saved his life, I have nae a doubt about it! That last bullet would have pierced his heart!"

"Oh, yeay me…"

The softly whispered words had an impact equivalent to a nuclear detonation.

Three sets of eyes swivelled around to meet dazed blue ones. For several long seconds, the silence in the infirmary was absolute. Then, three voices demanded for Rodney's attention. Talking too fast, too loud and too mixed up in each other for Rodney to understand.

It did nothing to alleviate his head-ache.

Carson was the first to notice the tiny wrinkles creasing his patient's forehead. As per usual, seeing Rodney in pain without hearing the hypochondriac rant about it in full technicolor detail, brought forth his most compassionate concern. And hence his (in)famous mother hen fussing.

"Keep it down a wee bit, will ya?" He said softly as he injected a mild pain reliever.

John and Elizabeth looked suitably contrite as they waited, in silence, for Rodney's expression to relax as the medication kicked in.

He blinked up at them sleepily, comfortable enough to give in to the beckoning slumber but unable to do so while Elizabeth and Sheppard looked so worried.

"'M fine…" He insisted, but his weak voice didn't go far in convincing them.

Carson took over. "He's right, or, at least, he will be after several days in our excellent care." With experience born from countless previous infirmary visits, the doctor studiously ignored his patient's harrumph and mutterings featuring 'voodoo' and 'sheep'.

But he could hardly keep the grin of his face at the visible relief Rodney's not-quite-under-his-breath complaining brought to Elizabeth and John.

McKay's second law: Speaking is silver, but silence is vastly overrated.

Elizabeth smiled down warmly, her eyes shining with pride. "You did good, Rodney. You scared 12 years of my life pulling that stunt, but you were brilliant…"

"Always am…" The softly murmured reply made her smile deepen.

Rodney's eyes had fallen completely closed by now, and Elizabeth and Carson quietly took their leave.

John Sheppard however planted himself firmly in the bedside chair, propping his feet up on Rodney's bed, settling in for a long vigil, content to just watch his friend sleep.

To his surprise, he found Rodney's blue eyes open and staring steadily at him.

"Sheppard, do I even want to know what kind of insane idea were you contemplating by childishly playing with every Ancient titbit near enough to respond to your gene?"

John grinned self-depreciatingly. "Nope."

"Thought so…" Rodney huffed, closing his eyes again. "Despite involving lots of adrenaline, blood and other bodily fluids, I bet it would have worked too…"

"Huh?" John wasn't sure but that had sounded suspiciously a lot like a compliment.

Rodney must have been tired, and near-death experiences on top of concussions tended to make you light-headed…

"I'm hungry…" The astrophysicist remarked in an apparent non-sequitur.

But to John Sheppard, it suddenly made sense. Give and take. He grinned. "You want me to get my lazy but to the commissary and smuggle you some dessert?"

"Rhetorical question." Rodney mumbled, not deigning it worthy to open his eyes.

"Rrrrright," John drawled, actually starting to feel rather peckish as well, "If my memory serves me correctly, we have either Athosian fruit pie or Jell-O today, what would Milord prefer?"

"Mmmmmmm." Rodney's entire face was scrunched up in deep thought.

John cocked an eyebrow, his stomach now yelling louder at him it wanted some food intake some time soon. "McKay, it's not such a freaking dilemma! Just choose!"

Rodney's eyes flew open, revealing wide blue irises.

John froze immediately, realisation of his unfortunate choice of words making him want to sink through the floor. "Oh, God, Rodney, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to…"

Rodney's laughter made him stop abruptly. It wasn't hysterical, as he might have suspected, but just warm and gentle and teasing.

"Sheppard, _this_ is called being indecisive. Or 'picky', 'choosy', 'fastidious', whichever you like that best…"

John relaxed, relieved to see his friend bouncing back so well from the horrible experience. Still, he wasn't kidding himself. Nightmares and sleepless nights were at the horizon for the both of them, but together John and Rodney would beat them.

But right now, the only thing that mattered, was the dancing spark of life in those blue eyes.

"I think I'll go for red Jell-O…"

And getting Rodney his food.

"Very well, sir, red Jell-O it is!" John gave a small bow before leaving the room. In the doorway, he stalled, stealing one last glance. Rodney's eyes had fallen closed again, and from the slow regular breathing John could tell he had already nodded off.

Smiling to himself, he headed to the commissary, debating the merits of Athosian fruit pie over Jell-O.

Idly fingering a bloodied maple leaf patch.

-

When Rodney's grumbling stomach woke him a few hours later, he found a lightly snoring lieutenant colonel curled up in a nearby chair, and a cup of red Jell-O and a piece of Athosian pie on his bedside table. Quietly, so as not to wake Sheppard, he tried to reach for the food, but his battered ribs, probably all shades from red to purple, protested painfully, and his immobilised left arm was inconveniently getting in the way. He groaned softly as he fell back in the pillows, and concentrated on breathing shallowly while the pain slowly ebbed away.

"You okay?" Sheppard's voice above his face startled him, and he opened eyes he didn't remember clenching shut.

"Yeah, sorry I woke you up…" Rodney whispered sheepishly. "I just wanted to eat something…'

"Hey, no problem." John grinned "In fact, I had gone to fetch some food for the both of us, but by the time I got back, I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and I nodded off before even taking one bite…"

Rodney smiled delightfully. "All right, bring on the red Jell-O, then!"

John watched him happily devour the plastic cup's contents in record time, eating his own slice of Athosian fruit pie at a more sedated pace.

"You up for some pie, too?" He asked.

Rodney looked nonplussed at the pie on Sheppard's plate. "Uhm, no thanks, you eat it."

"Ah!" John raised his fork in triumph, "I've brought you Jell-O _and_ a slice of pie, which is right there waiting for you.…" he pointed to a tray resting on the next bed. "A very wise man once said that you can't be forced to choose, that you should instead try to get the most out of it..."

Rodney smiled softly. "Paraphrased, but passable… Fine, I _am_ quite hungry still."

John grabbed the tray and passed it to Rodney, who marvelled a moment at the sheer size of the slice, before capturing his friend's gaze. "Another infinitely wiser quote says that shared joy is double joy; there's plenty for the both of us…"

John agreed, neatly dividing the slice into two equal parts.

No one said the next part of the quote out loud, but it was on both their minds as they quietly enjoyed Athosian fruit pie and each other's company.

_And shared sorrow is half a sorrow…_

-


End file.
